


see you around, kid

by sophthebi



Category: Call of Duty (Video Games)
Genre: Adler has a dog, Age Difference, CIA, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Game: Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War, I need help, Langley - Freeform, Older Man/Younger Woman, Other, Romantic Fluff, fluff and maybe some angst, mentions of bell, post black ops cold war, russell adler - Freeform, soft Adler, the dog is his ex-wife's dog, this lowkey a romcom what XD, why is this like an old hollywood romance movie with robert redford
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:48:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28425012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sophthebi/pseuds/sophthebi
Summary: You'd been dog-sitting for a mysterious, quiet man that never seemed to stick around.For the longest time, it was purely professional, purely a neighbor helping out a neighbor but it soon gets complicated in the most pleasant meaning of the word.(Reader character who is a jack of all trades meeting Adler and forming an unlikely connection, all the while crushing really badly XD)
Relationships: Russell Adler/Fem!Reader, Russell Adler/Original Female Character(s), Russell Adler/Reader
Comments: 68
Kudos: 76





	1. here, a pink rose for gratitude

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Agaki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Agaki/gifts), [Thank you for being so supportive of me and this fic](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Thank+you+for+being+so+supportive+of+me+and+this+fic).



> This is a really strange fic, I'm not sure what got me started with it, maybe I've been watching too many Robert Redford movies. 
> 
> But the best way I can summarize, is that it's a romcom with a CIA agent that's kind of psycho paired with reader character that is soft and goofy who dog-sits for him until they don't but then there's romantic undertones and they feel inferior and ... I don't know XD 
> 
> Also I have a habit for writing younger femme characters in my fics, I suppose I am in a way addicted to writing semi self-inserts XD
> 
> Anyways, hope everyone enjoys this. There will be 3 chapters, maybe more, I'm not sure yet. But hope everyone is safe and well! <33

**Washington, D.C. 1983**

_It wasn’t a bad job_ , in fact, it was probably the best job you’d ever had. 

Good pay, didn’t have to talk to anyone seeing that was the point of the gig, and if he – the man you worked for - did return when you were there, which happened on occasion, he’d give you a free bottle of whiskey as a bonus. You’d accept the gifts with a cheesy grin. They weren’t cheap liquor, and so you’d share it with your parents, feeling quite dapper even through the distaste. 

You yourself weren’t a big drinker, but _you’d never tell him that_. 

The man himself was an _enigma_ , and you had your suspicions. Not the bad kind, just the ‘ _you wouldn’t want to meet him in a dark alleyway if you were up to no good_ ’ kind. Being in Washington, paired with the minimalistic décor and the well-cultured collection of alcohol, it felt safe to say he was some sort of agent. Definitely CIA, or at least had connections to it. You could tell he’d had his fair share of war, and you could also tell it was still in his blood. 

He wasn’t young, but he wasn’t old, well, he didn’t look any older than 50. Tall, athletic and … handsome. You struggled in his presence, unsure of what to say or do but smile and thank him for the work. You didn’t see him much anyway.

His dog however, little furry friend named _Barbara_ , a white fluffy thing, you did see a lot. She was a yappy pup, and the complete opposite of her owner. It was funny, seeing them together, how rare it was. She was all smiles and high-pitched barks, loved a snuggle, while he, well from what you could tell, was distant, not grumpy but not happy either. Just … present. He didn’t seem to have a partner or family. 

Though you had no reason to worry for him. He had Barbara … and _beautiful women_ that’d come and go every now and then, regardless of him being home or not. You couldn’t blame them. But Barbara, she was the constant girl in his life. 

_Little Babs_. 

She was a handful, but you enjoyed looking after her when he – Mr Adler – was away. 

He lived in the same apartment complex as you and your parents, how you came across the job in the first place. He was eternally back and forth, and when he was home, you wouldn’t see him until he was leaving again. With packed bags, a cigarette in mouth and sunglasses on, no matter the time, whether it was dark or light out, shades on. You had to give it to him though, he was a stylish man. Sexy even. It would be a lie to say you weren’t crushing on him. Suave, slick. A voice of pure gold that you wish he’d use more in your presence. 

_As if he’d be interested_ … 

“Barbara you little bugger!” 

Off she went with your sandwich, peanut butter and jelly. She loved peanut butter, you almost went to chase her through the apartment but thought better of it, instead going back to the kitchen, listening to the pitter patter of her paws as she hid somewhere to savour your delectable pbj. “That was my dinner …” 

With your parents out for the night, and your key broken you had no choice but to hang out with Barbara. She was pleased, very pleased. You’d usually check in on her -making sure she had water, that the apartment wasn’t too hot or cold - before going back to your place, but it appeared you’d be spending this night with her.

You had to buy food, a towel and toiletries for the unexpected slumber party, which was fine, you just hoped Mr Adler wouldn’t mind you sleeping on his couch… 

Other than that, you had a great time in the spirit of things. Lots of chocolate eating, dancing in just your towel, wet hair dewy and soft water droplets on your back, hairbrush in hand as you sang along to your favourite tapes. 

You also hoped he wouldn’t mind you using his sick ass stereo system. 

“Dance with me Babs!” If she could speak, she’d be begging you to stop the karaoke session, if her big eyes and bored face were anything to go by. You were tempted to for a moment, tired yourself, and then the song came on … 

A gasp came from your mouth, she stretched her bum up in the air, ready to pounce, both of you frozen in the spot. 

_Damn you loved this song_. 

“Now everybody! Have you heard!” 

Just like that, you were headbanging, hair flicking all over the place, feet jumping up and down. Air guitar tricks, floating around the apartment like a crazed drunk, Barbara at your feet, chasing you around. 

“Put your right hand out, give a firm handshake!” You were on the ground laughing, shaking Barbara’s hand, and within a hurricane of a moment, you were back on your feet, spinning around, your hand the only thing keeping the towel wrapped around your body, the last thing you expected was to dance straight into a firm body. 

You gave out a yelp before realising who it was … and then you wanted to let out an even louder scream of pure embarrassment and shame. 

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t know you’d be back – this is really embarrassing,” you said breathlessly, running to the stereo, turning the thing off, blubbering about, “I promise I don’t do this all the time. My key … it’s broken and the folks are out and so I thought it wouldn’t be a bother if I just slept on the couch – and then I- um, I may have gotten into your stereo-”

“It’s okay kid. I should be the one apologizing. Didn’t mean to scare you like that.” He didn’t seem fazed at all really, putting his bags to the wall, then plummeting into a lounge chair, untying his laces. Dressed in khaki pants and a form fitting shirt … now wet from your towel and hair. 

Oh. _You weren’t dressed_. 

The more you came to that realisation, the more you froze up. He peered up at you, beneath those dark shades. “Good stereo that. Shame I’m never here to use it,” he said, a glimpse of a smile on his mouth, enough to make you blush and mutter something about getting dressed.

You practically stumbled into the bathroom, locking the door and mentally yelling at yourself. “God damn it, pull yourself together.” You painfully got dressed into your stupid pajamas. The shorts couldn’t be any freaking shorter, and your nipples couldn’t be any perkier, they could stab someone’s eye out through the shirt. Skin blushed, nerves on fire, you held the towel to your chest and all but snuck out of the bathroom. 

Tip-toeing back to the living room, you were a little relieved to see he was busy petting Barbara, not at all worried about his surroundings so you could easily get yourself to the lounge and cover every bit of yourself with a pillow and towel. The racket of doing so however got his attention. 

It might have been the way you were sprawled out, a mess of limbs on the couch, or the stupid grin on your face, but he chuckled, leaning back into the chair, watching you for a moment. 

“It’s strange, don’t think we’ve actually gotten ‘round to having a proper conversation.” 

Your eyes went wide, but you managed to get it together and nod, maneuvering yourself into a normal seating position. “I guess we haven’t,” you whispered, hands fidgeting. “To be honest I’m not that great at carrying a conversation, so you kinda dodged a bullet, for a while at least. Till now.” There was that smile again, brightened up his face, his scars looking less harsh by the minute. 

He nodded, grabbing a cigarette from the side table and lighting it with a fancy looking lighter. “You want one?” He held out the carton, you shook your head of course. Suit yourself, was his look. 

“Where’re your folks?”

“Date night, haven’t had one in a while.” Mr Adler grimaced, taking a swig of his cigarette. 

“Good for them. Married life is tough.” You gulped, yep, he’s definitely been married at least once. 

The filter-less part of your brain had you spitting words out immediately. 

“Babs from a previous marriage?” He looked at you for a while, brows furrowed before obviously understanding who Babs was, laughing again, smoke clouding his face. “Sorry. Intrusive question. And yeah, I call her Babs.” You brokenly said, trying not to laugh yourself. 

“Why you think that?” He smiled with dimples. He was even prettier when he smiled like that … _damn_. 

“I- I guess it’s just Babs doesn’t seem like your kind of pet. I mean … she probably wouldn’t be your preferred breed…” If Babs could understand you, maybe she could, she’d had every right to be offended. It’s not like you meant she wasn’t a cool dog. Shit, maybe Alder was offended too… The more you thought about it, the more you recognised yourself self-projecting. 

“Relax kid. Look like you just killed someone.” Another puff of smoke, and the next moment his shades were off. He had pretty eyes… “To answer your question, yeah. Babs …” he considered the name on his tongue, smiling at you, “she’s my ex-wife’s dog. She didn’t want her anymore, something about being too much work. Babs is a good dog, loyal and smart. Wasn’t about to get rid of her.” 

There was a cloud shrouding him, _grey and sad_. Felt like he wasn’t thinking about Babs at all, maybe his ex-wife? No, _someone else_ , someone alike Babs … someone loyal and smart that he let go of… He looked like someone that had experienced their fair share of loss. 

Good that he had kept Babs then.

She was at his legs, grinning her doggy grin. He scratched behind her ears. 

“She is a good dog. She makes my day every time I come visit. I’d look after her for free honestly …” Adler put the cigarette into a used cup, swishing it around.

“She likes you a lot too.” You equally hated and loved the way he looked at you just then, made you want to smile and giggle, but also run away and pretend it was all your imagination, part of the hype was the unrequitedness of it all. The way he stared was destroying that fantasy, but as soon as it had appeared, it was gone. And you missed the fear already. 

Too good to be true.

“I’m happy to stay at a friend’s place tonight, sure someone would be able to pick me up. I don’t want to intrude… you’re finally home-”

“-It’s fine, really kid. It’s the least I can do. You’ve helped more than you can imagine. Here, I’ll get you a blanket.” 

You hadn’t meant to, but you’d stood the same time he did. _Since when were the chairs so close?_ You’d managed to bump into him. Again. 

_Perky nipples and all, chest to chest. Vulnerable to his gaze, thighs warm, every part of your visible skin warm. He smelt of nicotine and a handsome cologne. You smelt of cheap soap and freshly washed hair. Your lips parted in a gasp, wanting to step away. But you couldn’t…_

_Your eyes were level to his lips, pink and soft looking. Lashes fluttering, you peered up higher, his own staring at every bit of you._ **Blue? Weren’t they brown**?  
_So close, both of you standing so close._ **The scar faded in and out, like your brain was trying to remember how it looked**.

 _There was a heat to being that close, a feeling so visceral._ **Almost impossibly hot. Like a dream**. 

_You could see the timer ticking in his gaze, he wanted to act. The idea of him wanting you was the most surprising thing of the whole night._ **He’d never** … 

_That’s when you felt his hand, gentle and feathery touches. Fingers pressing into your waist, bringing you closer, the side of his face, rough with the beginnings of facial hair grazing your skin, wait, did he have facial hair? His other hand coming below your chin, lifting it, up, up._

_Breath mingling with breath, god he smelt so good…_

_Tongue flicking out to your lips, past your lips before his own mouth pressed to yours. Your neck jolting back, hands coming to his shoulders and toes pushing you to meet him so harshly a grunt came from your throat. He managed you closer, pressing your bodies to one another, stomach to stomach, moulding into the hardness of him. He was strong. Back arching._

_His callous-ridden hands shifting your shirt, going under it and feeling for your flesh. Thumb caressing the skin, past your naval and up and up, towards your sternum._ **Strange, your boobs felt different**...

 _His kisses wet and hot, barely kisses but swallowing one another. Saliva spilling onto his tongue, he tasted so good._ “Fuck. I wanna fuck you so bad.” _Gravelly, that perfect god damn voice as his hand slipped from your lower back to your ass, smoothing his palm over and then grabbing like his life depended on it. God help you, your life definitely depended on it._

_You stopped the kissing, in a haze you pulled your shirt off, stretching onto your tip toes as his fingers ran over your ribcage, then to your breasts._

_And, stupidly, you laughed. Ticklish right where he touched. You fell into his chest, laughing and giggling, also noticing Barbara on her bed fast asleep._ “I’m sorry. Babs, look at Babs-” 

“-Hope this will do.” 

You were brought back to reality, Mr Adler standing before you with a warm looking blanket, floral and pink. In the corner of your eye was Babs scratching her bum on the rug, unknowing to it all. 

He was away from you by the second, off to the shower and probably straight to bed…

 _Nothing_ , absolutely nothing tense or romantic had occurred or would occur, your imagination the only palatable thing between the two of you. It saddened you the more you thought about it. _Why did you have to see him this way_? 

You were just his dog sitter, and he, just kind to you, surprising for a man that looked like he killed people for a living. One day you might ask him where he actually went off to, what he did when he wasn’t home, _how did you get that scar_? But he had no reason to answer honestly, so maybe there was no point. The only motivation being you got more conservation with him, but seeing how that just worked out for you… 

You lay on your back, strangely comfortable in this man’s home. The lights had been put out, and he had wandered off to his bedroom with a quiet goodnight, dressed in sweatpants and a shirt. Hopefully he’d take the glasses off when he slept … You lay wondering why he wore those glasses all the time, _why he did anything he did_.

But then was he really the weird one in this apartment? The one that needed to be questioned for why they did what they did? _You just had a waking wet dream in the span of a few seconds_. Poor guy was getting you a blanket and you imagined you were eating his face… You cringed, pressing fingers into brows, face scrunching up. 

Sleep came like it usually did, slow and fast like a tidal wave. 

You awoke before he did, early sun wavering in through blinds, like a warm hand asking you to wake up, touching your skin so invitingly. 

Babs watched you get dressed ever so quietly, tiptoeing around as to not wake Adler. She watched you pack your things and fold the soft pink blanket with sad puppy dog eyes. 

Was probably his ex-wife’s blanket. You kept your hand on it for a moment, wondering who she was, what they were like together, why they separated. You felt both inferior and young. He probably saw you just as the funny neighbor that his dog really liked. 

_Maybe it was nicer that way_. 

You gave your goodbye cuddles to Babs and went on your way.

For a week or so after that night you didn’t look after Barbara. He was home, and the strangest thing was he actually left his apartment to go out and do whatever he did when he wasn’t working or skulking in the shadows of his apartment. If you crossed paths, he’d give a warm smile and hello. He’d even take Babs for walks. Something he rarely did in the past.

But, with the joy of knowing he was so close, there was also the oh shit moment of you having to find another job. One that you probably wouldn’t like as much as dog sitting. 

Constant newspaper scouring, looking into shop windows and walking in with cv papers, getting rejected. It went on for nearly a month. Then you got the greenlight for a part time job at the local florist, just as a cashier, nothing exciting, hell if you knew how to make beautiful concoctions of flowers, you barely knew how to talk to people. But it was a quick and easy adjustment. You even got to bring home a bouquet every once and a while, Dad was happy, very happy with that, something to replace the _Whiskey_ … 

Adler. You missed hanging out in his apartment, missed Babs whining at you to feed her 24/7, missed him calling you ‘kid’. He did like you, in a way he might have had a soft spot for you, going by the smiles he didn’t really give anyone else but you. You tried to forget the swelling feelings, every time you bumped paths with him, whether it was in the apartment building or out in Washington. 

How rare it was nowadays. 

You tried to forget the mystery of him, of his shades and scar. Of the way he must go through packets and packets of cigarettes a day. Of his soft hair, that you saw his new girlfriend play with whenever they were together.

You theorized they met in the break of time he was home.

She was different from the other women. This time it was something serious.

She was _beautiful_ , like him. Her fingers dainty and gentle, caressing his face, painted nails wary of his scar, and he would lean in like a nervous animal. You tried not to watch whenever you come across them together, felt weird, you felt creepy, but it was like observing a creature doing something no one thought possible. 

“Hey kid, wait up!”

One afternoon on your way home from work, walking in the cold autumn air was Adler, his partner and Babs. You nearly missed the three of them, rubbing at your cold nose, attempting to hide it beneath your scarf, a bouquet of blue thistle and roses in hand about to collapse to the ground, before he yelled out to you. 

“Mr Adler, Babs!” You struggled but managed to get a pet to Barbara who wagged her tail for you, familiar grin on her face. “Nice evening for a walk, maybe a little cold though,” you said, voice a bit distorted from your blocked nose. 

Adler introduced you to his partner, officially this time. You hadn’t had the chance to stop and talk to them yet. She was kind, shook your hand and smiled wide. She really was breathtaking. He explained who you were, though you sensed he had spoken about you before, a glint in her eyes. 

_Hopefully all good things_. 

“What a lovely bouquet.” Nicole, she smiled admiring the flowers, they really were lovely, you had half the heart to give them to her and Adler but thought better of it, Dad wouldn’t appreciate missing out on these. Made you laugh out loud, giggling for no reason to anyone else. 

“Sorry. Just thinking of my Dad. I work at the local florist and I get to bring flowers home once a week. He loves it.” You played with some of the rose petals. 

Nicole laughed with you, as for Adler, there was a silence from him and you were too afraid to look into his eyes, or his shades. _Even now_ … Shades, wonder what Nicole thought of them. “Here I was thinking you have yourself a guy that loves to spoil. They really are beautiful flowers. I’ll have to stop by your shop,” she whispered, grasping onto Adler’s coat clad arm. You smiled, finally looking up at him. 

And you felt you couldn’t recognize him, or was it him _not recognizing you_? It’d been a while since you actually saw each other, a couple of months, maybe more. Either way it’d been, no, _felt_ , so long since you’d actually seen each other, if you ever had truly, deeply seen each other.  
It was always so superficial up until that night, but even that was fickle and fast. “I’d love that, I’ve actually been learning a lot about these … flowers,” you laughed to yourself, “I’d be glad to take you through the shop, pick out the best flowers for you. It’s so interesting with flower meanings and putting them together to tell a story, or message. You can do so much with something mundane.” You rambled to yourself, only stopping when that beautiful smile creeped onto his face. Familiar and so welcoming. 

_He must remember your childlike awkwardness now_. 

“Well, it was nice to meet you Nicole, and really nice to see you Miss Babs,” you interrupted yourself, sensing it was time to move on. “Here. Pretty sure Dad won’t miss one flower.” You went to give them a thistle, but hesitated, instead unravelling a pink rose. “For gratitude,” you whispered, placing the stem carefully in Nicole’s gloved hand, though, both Adler and you knew that you were truly gifting it to him.

 _Thank you for helping me out_. You never got the chance to thank him for the dog-sitting job.

“See you around kid.” He smiled one last smile, bringing Nicole close to him. The three of them walked away from you, in the opposite direction from home. 

There was a new feeling, one you hadn’t expected. Not jealously, not happiness either. 

A pain you couldn’t quite put your finger on. 

_See you around_.


	2. may I have this dance?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in. Chapter 2 XD
> 
> This is a bit of a long one, and there is some violence and swearing, so please be warned! <33 also be warned there is implied cheating, I do not condone cheating on someone in real life obviously, that’s just wrong and entirely avoidable. 
> 
> It gets a little sexc this chapter, Adler is a sexc feral gremlin after all. XD
> 
> (some time has passed since last chapter. Like six months or something like that lol)
> 
> ALSO!! Listen to "Slow Jam" by Midnight Star during the dance scene! Agaki is a genius! <33

**Washington, D.C. 1984**

_See you around._

_See you around, kid…_

_Kid._

_There was no lie in those words,_ he did see you around. Crossing paths at the stairs of the apartment building ever since the elevator broke -which had happened over the Christmas holidays and was yet to be fixed, even now in _Spring_ \- or stopping for a quick chat out on the street, walking Babs. 

Babs you didn’t see much of nowadays, Nicole would look after her whenever he was away.

And when he was home, and not working, doing secret double life business you assumed, he was with Nicole. The pair worked well together; it was somewhat sweet to see him not so alone. You were so adjusted to a _quiet, mysterious man_ that it was a pleasant change to see him actually interact with others. Be intimate with someone. 

Though you felt he was both _kinder_ and _scarier_ than he led others to believe. The odd fear and admiration for him that you’d always had, a distant memory, but somehow stronger being kept at arm’s length. Looking in through a glass barrier. To think you were halfway through it without knowing whenever you were in his apartment with Barbara. 

_Distant memory._

He looked a little older, but it was apparent to you that it was just time passing, and maybe a bit of stress. 

_Damn_ , you’d love to know where he went off to. It was exciting to think about, did Nicole herself know? Accepting that you might never know was the hardest part of it all. 

“Nicole,” you said in a barely attempt of hiding shock at the sight of the woman at your door on a rainy Saturday night. Drenched in water, coat damp, mascara running down her cheeks in streaks of beautiful black. “Oh gosh, come inside. You okay?” 

The folks were out in a strange coincidence of convenience, as was … well, Adler who was out in the world somewhere with his bags and shades. “Here, let me take your coat.” Nicole was so frail as you pulled the arms of her coat off, the tan colour a dark brown with all that water, cold and sad. Baby hairs stuck to her forehead, nose sniffling. Even in such a disorderly way, she was beautiful… _What had made her cry?_ Made her come to you of all people.

She was quiet while you sorted out her wet outerwear, got a warm blanket and tissues. The whistling of a boiling kettle and serene impact of rain on windows the only sound emanating throughout the apartment. 

“I’m sorry, I-I just didn’t know who to go to.” Nicole had calmed down after a hot brew of tea, sitting at your table and playing with your Moms vinyl shaped coasters.

“It’s fine really. If you want… if you feel comfortable, you can tell me what happened. I’m a good listener,” you said, unsure of the best way to help out. You still had no clue what this was all about, but you had a good suspicion it had to do with Adler, and it worried you… _Did he do something bad?_

Maybe you didn’t know him at all, and in your stomach stewed a fear of the _unknown._

“It’s nothing serious- if anything, I’m overreacting but you know, things get too much and they all add up and it, it can cause this explosion of feelings.” You nodded to her words, relief stranding out through your body …

Though there was a bitter feeling, the fact you even considered that he may have hurt someone, broke someone’s heart. There was always that darkness to him, that enigma he was. “Has this got something to do with Adler?” She laughed, a short sad laugh.

“Russell? In a way, yeah. Actually. In a big way. It’s… **complicated.** ” She rubbed at her eyes, eyeliner staining her fingers. 

“He didn’t … do anything bad did he?”

She looked up at you with wide eyes, “No, no. He would never… It’s, I just don’t know where we’re going. He’s so … distant and cold. It’s hard you know, my friends have their partners that go with them to dinners, can fake a smile. Play tennis, go to the movies, have parties. The average socializing. He just, he’s not there. Feels like I’m giving more to this thing we have than he thinks about giving.

“And that’s the problem! He doesn’t think of us, ‘us’. We should be engaged by now, pregnant, moving in together. He’s never here. I still don’t know what in the hell he does for a living!” It was getting heated, not that you could blame her. “Is he like that with everyone?” Nicole asked, chin in hand in utter defeat.

 _Pretty much_ , you wanted to say. “From what I’ve seen, I think he’s just a reserved guy. Heck, he’s never gone to a single gathering with any of his neighbours. The amount of times Mrs Anderson has invited him and he’s not turned up…” you said more to yourself. The apartment complex wasn’t big, and the people in it liked to have a dinner or party on occasion. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas. _And how long had he been living here?_

“I don’t think anyone knows what he does. But I have my suspicions…”

She perked up at that. “Don’t tell me he’s a serial killer-” You burst out into laughter. It was contagious, got a grin on her face.

“More like some sort of CIA operative.” It seemed to click for both of you. A quietness erupting between the both of you.

“You know. That’s not so far-fetched. He was in the military. Went to Vietnam though he doesn’t talk of it. Understandably so.” 

_You had thought as much._ You could tell there was more she wished to say but thought better of it. _Respecting his privacy._ **Vietnam** … perhaps where he got his scar? _And most likely more than the eye could see._

“We’re also near their headquarters …” Again, you both cracked up with laughter. It wasn’t funny, really, but there was a humour to it that one with a sense of it could enjoy. 

“I’m dating a spy. Off fighting communists. Jesus Christ.” She shook her head, the fun of it waning away. A spy, _imagine dating a spy …_

 _Pretty rough._

Nicole was starting to see it, whatever that may be in her _mind’s eye._ How long would they last? Would he ever leave his work for her? Was she safe? Was he safe, a _big no._ You had to act fast otherwise she’d break.

“Hey.” You reached a hand out to hers, gently putting some pressure on it. “That’s probably why he’s distant, cares about you too much to put that baggage on the relationship. The things he has to do, has to see. Not to mention the secrets only he knows. Guy can’t tell you what happens, can’t tell anyone in fact.

“But I can tell he’s trying. I’ve seen him with you. He’s brighter with you around.” Nicole’s eyes teared up, happily this time. 

“I suppose you’re right. I need to be more forgiving. Stop focusing on what others think. He’s sweet, sweeter than he looks.” 

_And most probably more dangerous_ … There was violence in him, a revelation that had come to you so suddenly. Nicole had opened a can of worms. Trauma of Vietnam, an operative in this period of time, the Cold War. What a responsibility to have… 

After that Saturday night, Nicole had in a way latched onto you. She had a good ten or more years on you, but the both of you got along quite well. _Youthful fun_ , not having to worry about appearances and money. Hanging out with Babs, having date nights, horror movies. Things you sensed she didn’t get to rejoice in with her circle of friends. Which was fine. She had duality to her, both classy and rebel. 

_No wonder Adler liked her so much._

When Adler did return home, he was a complete mess of a person. You’d walked into him, quite literally, on your way to work one morning. There was a tiredness, his athletic energy broken down a bit. He hadn’t stopped to talk with you, only stumbled past you straight to his apartment. Nicole had Barbara so he was all alone in there, but you were too afraid to hassle, leaving it to Nicole. She’d help him out.

In due time, he was his old self. Hand in hand with Nicole, handsome and charismatic. He even dropped off a bottle of whiskey to your parents while you were at work…

In fact, he was doing so well he seemed to _forget you were there._ Call it immature or jealous, but you felt burnt. 

Then again, you never really got to know him, yet you felt that he actually liked you. Thought of you as a sort of friend, as mentor to a student. 

Oh well. You had your flowers and David Bowie, and the new mall. You even hitched yourself a pretty dress from a nice op shop. It wasn’t on trend, but it was perfect for the incoming Summer months. You wore it nearly every day to work. Danced in it at home. Wore it on evening walks. Probably wore it to bed some nights when you were really tired.

“Hey, I’m getting lunch, you coming with?” The owner and your boss – of the little tiny florist store on the street corner- asked, his wallet in hand. You shook your head, dancing to the music of the new store radio that you’d bought with your well earnt money. It added a nice touch to an otherwise peaceful building. 

He laughed, out of the shop and onto the busy street. 

Your favourite mixtape was on. 

**“Let’s dance!”**

_God bless you Bowie._

You wandered around the store, sorting out flowers and vases. New stock had come in, flowers that you’d never seen before. Possibly for some wedding clients. They were rushing in, brides and grooms this time of year. Looking for specific flora. Hibiscus was extremely wanted. 

With nothing much else to do, you drifted around, just enjoying the scent of Spring transitioning into Summer. Twirling about, not like anyone was gonna come in today. This shift was slow one.

And then you bumped into a hard body. 

A sense of deja vu rushed through you. You knew that feeling. Knew the scent, knew the _presence._

And your name was said in that familiar voice. Red rose to your face, and you burst into laughter to hide it, turning away from him quick enough as to not have to meet eyes.

“This is really becoming a habit,” he said, you could hear the beginning of a smile in his words. You nodded, still not looking at him, instead acting as if you were really needing to _read the papers_ – you had no idea what they were about – on the cashier desk. Flicking through the pages like a focused employee, not someone that was dancing about without a worry. “Sorry. Scared you again kid.”

This time, you did turn to face him. You forgot what you were planning to say truly and relied on a grin and huff of air. 

He still looked the same. _But_ … “Your shades. You break them or something?” you laughed, hoping he didn’t notice the stutter in your gaze, the way you couldn’t help but stare for a moment, appreciate his eyes and hair and his … _everything_ really. 

Adler didn’t say anything, not straight away at least. The both of you just staring at one another, studying to see what changes there were. He obviously noticed something different about you, head tilting, pink lips twitching upward. You could only smile, lips tight together nervous to bare your teeth, fingers curling into small fists, exchanging weight from one foot to the other. 

“Been a while hasn’t it …” he said simply, suddenly tearing his eyes from you and looking around the store. You’d never seen him so … unsure of himself. 

“That’s okay. Life goes on, what brings you to this humble abode anyways?” He made his way around the shelves and stacks of flowers, pot plants, all sorts. Looking past them almost. You smiled at it, he seemed lost. 

“Nicole. It’s her birthday today and she’s having a get together. Thought she’d like some flowers, thought I’d stop by.” He peered up at you … yeah, his eyes were brown. A beautiful _hazel._ It was your turn to look away fast. 

“That’s right, she’s a June baby isn’t she. Well, I know exactly what kind you should get her –” you stopped yourself, shuffling a step back. 

_Shit…_ Nicole’s birthday. She invited you tonight … _Shit._

“You alright kid?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m okay. Just totally forget about tonight.” His brows furrowed, hand reaching in for a pack of cigarettes. Usually you’d tell people to smoke outside but you didn’t feel like saying it to him … You liked the way he held it between his fingers, to his soft mouth.

“Nicole invite you?” He snapped open a lighter, the flame flickering behind the palm of his hands as he held it on the cigarette hanging from his lips. 

“Yeah. Honestly don’t know what I’m gonna wear. Who’s gonna be there. What to bring.” You rambled on, slowly forgetting Adler was standing so close to you, somehow making his way closer.

“You could go the way you are now.” You stopped the small panic to see him watching you closely, eyes peering up and down your body. The pretty Summer dress you found in some miracle of a store. “It’s … nice. Suits you.” 

“Guess so... Could change my shoes, put some makeup on, do my hair. You think I’ll fit in?” 

Adler scoffed, “You’ll be fine. You’ve got me anyway, whatever happens we can be the misfits.” 

“You’re good looking though-” you shut yourself up the moment those four words spilled out of your mouth. Adler smirked through the smoke, cherishing your foot in mouth. “I mean … I- well you are. You’re handsome, charming, can talk your way through a brick wall. The socialites must love you.” 

Why? _Why could he somehow make you say things without making you do anything at all?_ It all just flooded out around him. 

He considered what you said, rubbing at his freshly shaven face. Then it sparked, and he looked directly into you. “People are scared of me. Say I’m intimidating. Not sure why though, it must be my chest hair.” 

A flood of laughter come from deep within your stomach, eyes watering. “Or they’re jealous. Some people just aren’t hair growers.” You gestured to your own chest, before realizing what you were gesturing at. 

_Nipples._ Again. 

He continued to look at you, that strange stare like he could see everything about you on a platter. “Gonna be honest, you won’t fit in.” Laughter dying down, you almost wanted to cry at the way said it, as if you weren’t good enough… 

_You weren’t good enough._

But then a gentle smile appeared, scars so very noticeable when he smiled like that. A just as gentle reminder that he himself wouldn’t fit in tonight either. He was scary and he was intimidating, and he was full with secrets and hidden violence and a dangerous beauty. “You’re too good for the people you’ll meet tonight.” 

A harsh breath came from your mouth and his eyes focused there instantly. His jaw tensed, throat gulping before the moment was taken away. 

“Maybe. Maybe not. Well, enough about not fitting in. Let me get you some flowers.” 

It didn’t take long arranging some flowers, surprisingly he picked a couple without your help, all the while listening to you explaining the hidden meanings of each one. Their own secrets and histories. They were all colorful and summery and perfect. 

Bright golden _marigolds_ , like the sun itself. Yellow _petunias_ , respectful and elegant. And finally, soft _peonies_ the colour of his lips, pink and pastel. You’d felt time slow as he picked them, putting them to his nose, you laughing without thinking. He’d smiled wide, dimples showing themselves.

 _This is why you were so infatuated …_

_How could something so distant and cold and terrifying be something so beautiful and alluring?_

That evening, getting ready for Nicole’s birthday celebration was the most uncomfortable and nervous you’d ever been in your life. And the line was thin between it being because of all the people you didn’t know, and the one person that you in a way, did know, _Adler._

 _It felt wrong._ You didn’t want to feel that way, you’d eventually forget it, one day, you’d force yourself to for Nicole and him both. He’d never know of it. Adler would never have the slightest clue.

You always knew that would be the case. _It would be simple_. One day you’d be invited to their wedding, then to the baby shower, and then you’d become the kid’s god parent. And you’d meet someone else. And all would be well. You hoped for that day, longed for the aching to just leave. This yearning for the _impossible._

 _It was supposed to be so easy._ No one would get hurt, the least of all being you. 

_But he wasn’t supposed to look at you in that way when you walked through the door._

Music played at the perfect volume, filtering through open rooms of the large mansion in **Clyde Hill** , somewhere you never thought you’d be. Glittering lights and birthday tinsel and balloons. Economists and businessman and woman chatting with glasses of champagne in hand. Dressed in trendy fashion, beautiful people all around you.

You wandered down steps, Nicole’s present held close to your chest that rose up with strong intakes of air, and deflated heavily, so heavily your stomach dropped with it, like some kind of Disney character, like Cinderella at the ball, only no one looked to see who you were, and there were no glass slippers and no prince to look at you adoringly. 

Only … _Him._

He was at the bar, glass of whiskey in hand, dressed impeccably, leather jacket, expensive shoes, he really would fit in if it weren’t for the scars and darkness clouding over him everywhere he went. A dark stranger, women and men were eyeing him – but _no touching_ – intrigued by his odd presence. 

Your mom’s heels echoing on the marble steps, lips ready to smile at a moment’s notice if anyone dared look in your direction, but they were all occupied.

You were so prepared, yet the moment he looked at you from afar - stood up taller, put the glass down and nodded as some sort of acknowledgment, that _thank god you’re here_ – you forgot every acceptable social behaviour your human mind had learnt. 

You froze, skirt of your dress – one that your parents gave you as gift earlier in the year, a simple but elegant off-the shoulder black dress - fluttering about over your legs, loose hairs falling down your face, lips tremoring and wanting to smile wide at him, fingers itching to fidget, eyes wanting to look away. The only thing that got you moving again was someone else trying to get down the stairs.

“Sorry.” You huffed and made your way further into the gathering, desperately searching for Nicole. You spotted the flowers Adler had bought, they rested in a pretty little vase. Nicole loved them, they sat like a trophy to be admired. Made you a little less anxious. 

You were excited to see what she thought of your present, a box of classic horror. She loved scary things; it was sad to see she hid it so much from the world. You’d tell her to open it when she was alone.

 _Made you giddy inside._

A tap on your shoulder, firm hands that were so cautious to your body. Spinning around to face him you said his name louder than you wanted to, almost yelling it. “I’m here!” 

_You could hit yourself sometimes._

“Yeah, you are here,” Adler chuckled, moving the both of you out of the way of incoming people, his hand at your shoulder blades. “Glad you made it. Nicole’ll be happy... What’s in that?” He gestured to the box in your arms, straining your muscles. 

“Nicole’s present,” you smiled wryly. He hummed, a smirk on his lips. 

“Very funny,” he said, voice deeper than usual. Hazel eyes wandered your face, dimples making themselves known. “You look pretty, kid.” He looked away then, gaze scouring the floor of guests, there was so many, Nicole couldn’t possibly know all of them …

Oh, _he just called you pretty._

“So do you.” You blurted out. He peered down at you, tongue flickering out to wet his lips as he grabbed a pack of cigarettes from his jean pocket. Like you didn’t say anything at all. _Better that way._

The two of you stuck to each other for the next half-hour, occasionally talking, but mostly observing the people in front of you like weirdos. Well, he looked badass and scary, you looked awkward and weird doing it. He’d whisper in your ear jokes about some of the people he’d met in the past, puffs of smoke hitting your face at times.

Like Nicole’s boss, who was currently cheating on his wife with his wife’s sister. “Real sleaze that guy, steer clear of him. He’ll make a pass at you before the night’s finished.” 

“He looks as old as my grandfather. There’s no way.”

Adler chuckled, shaking his head. “Even more reason for him to have a pass at you. You’re the youngest one here. Men like him have a thing for pretty young women.” 

“You don’t say.” The guy, in his late sixties, hung around a girl nearer to your age, touchy feely, she was half-interested, half-revolted, understandable. Guy looked wealthy, could be worth it. But there was the glint in her eyes, screaming, get this old fart away from me. “Makes me wanna go over there and swat him away,” you said under your breath, he hummed in agreement, exhaling smoke. You couldn’t help but watch him in the corner of your eye, the way his neck tilted back, mouth opening and the grey puffs of cigarette smoke pouring out. 

Then you heard your name.

Nicole. Eyes glittering with makeup, dress perfectly fitting her form. _She was glowing with joy._

There was lots of hugs and cheek kisses, a beautifully happy voice thanking you for coming and for the present that you quickly, like your life depended on it, told her to wait till she was home to open it. _There was a devious look in her eyes._ You hoped she would heed your warning.

“My gosh. Look at you.” Now that you were empty handed, the present on the present table, your hands could latch onto the skirt of your dress. You smiled sweetly as Nicole looked you up and down, grabbing you by the shoulders and turning you around. “Look how beautiful you are. Doesn’t she look gorgeous Russ?” Your eyes went wide.

This was not helping you at all. Felt like a child the more she fluttered about like a maternal figure adoring over her prized daughter.

He only nodded, not looking at either of you but into the distance, crushing his cigarette into an ashtray. 

“You should have your hair down more.” Nicole moved a strand of hair behind your ear, genuinely in awe of your formal look. 

The night somehow elongated after that. Nicole and Adler went off to talk to guests, you ate finger food and drank expensive alcohol, chatting to mostly older people that looked tired and done with what used to be their scene. People got onto the dance floor, slow music played, _it was all very romantic._ Even Adler got in there with who looked to be Nicole’s mother. 

He was a good dancer. _Really good._

Nicole’s mother was blushing, and everyone was in laughter, you included, watching from the sidelines. 

Little kids ran past, making incoherent kid noises. A bunch of close calls, nearly knocking expensive things over playing tag. 

“Never seen you before.” A younger voice echoed beside you. For a moment you didn’t know if it was directed at you or someone else but you soon felt their gaze.

It was a younger guy, closer to your age judging by his lack of beard and wrinkles, and slim tall physique. He was handsome. Looked like an up and coming lawyer, you didn’t know why really, but you got that energy from him, _or maybe an accountant._

“I’ve never been to one of these, only here for the birthday girl... and the wine.” 

“They’re not to my taste either,” he said, noticing your outsider personality. You both laughed, looking out to the crowd of dancing people. “Nicole’s a nice person. One of the genuine ones.”

You nodded, “She is. She’s a kind woman and a good friend.” 

Before the guy could introduce himself to you, get another word in, a body appeared. Smelling of nicotine and cologne and … 

“I’m sorry to interrupt,” he said, not unkindly, “but I’ve gotta ask for at least one dance.” You turned to see Adler with his hand out, palm up. You let out a gasp of air, looking back and forth between him and the friendly stranger. He was taken back, but trying his hardest to hide it.

“Yeah, no worries, go ahead.” He smiled, barely and not with his eyes before stalking away. 

“Come on kid.” Adler reminded you of his presence, a new look in his dark eyes. 

_Please._

A slither of anger entwined itself into your stomach and chest… you were talking to that handsome guy that looked way too good for someone like you, and now he was gone … _so much for moving on._

Adler must have noticed the new irritation, unrecognizable to him, he stepped closer to you, hand still out for you to take. “May I have this dance?” 

No one took notice of your hesitance; Nicole was dancing with a colleague. You wanted then and there for some reason, so badly, to yell at him, at Adler. The stranger was talking to a much more beautiful woman, and of course, they looked good together. 

You hated the thought, the feeling, but god you hated everything that led you to this moment. 

_Why couldn’t you meet someone like that and actually fall in love? Together, and mutually._

“Okay, but just this one.” Your voice was firmer, stronger and louder than usual, another thing he noticed and took into consideration. Jaw tensing and eyes wandering all over your form. It faltered your stubbornness, seeing him uncomfortable from this side of you.

And it faltered even more as your hand fell into his. 

There was no spark, no _silly revelation_ … but, it felt … _right._

He felt it too, whatever it really was. Pink lips parting, hand warm, strong and protecting your smaller one, his thumb brushing over the top of your hand as he led you to the midst of dancers. 

The song playing, you didn’t know or care to know. The people holding onto each other, spinning slowly and softly near to you, you didn’t focus on. Only on him … _Russell Adler._

Bodies pressed together, one hand rested on his shoulder, the other held in the air with his. And the one on your waist, _so gentle and barely felt._

_It all felt so right …_

Was it the fuzziness of alcohol, or the dimness of light and sway of music, but you could look into his eyes and not stumble, not blush a bright red warmth, not have to force yourself to look away. You could observe and study the features of his scars, his mouth, his lashes, his intimidating gaze. 

_What did he see when he stared back? What beauty or flaw could he see so crystal clear?,/em >_

_He smiled, the start of one at least, one hand finding its way from your waist to your midback, pulling you closer, your soft stomach caressing into his. Your own lips parted. _The world was a dream surrounding you._ _

_Was this truly happening?_

“Your hair does look beautiful down.” You grinned into his shoulder, head falling into a comforting position, into the smooth leather of his jacket, his cheek brushing by the side of your head, like a cat or dog snuggling itself into a pillow. You could almost feel his scars. He was so calm in your arms. _Dangerous but controlled._

> _There was **no** control to have._

_The both of you would have floated there forever, **if it weren’t for a woman yelling.** _

_The music stopped, people crowded around a specific area of the house and Adler parted himself from you, an emptiness tearing you apart from comfort and safety and happiness._

_“You bitch! Come back here!” A mans voice let loose from the crowd._

_Something shifted within Adler, an animal, a predator on the hunt. Before long, he was in the depths of the crowd, you trailing behind, trying your hardest to follow his tracks, from memory._

_“You cheating bastard!”_

_“What do you expect? I get none from you, you miserable cunt!”_

Gasps, chilled skin, you slowed in your journey to where the heat was. You managed to spot Nicole within the circle of people, tears in her eyes, unsure of what to say, her mouth opening and closing, then the yelling got intense, violent in shouts. _She had no choice but to act._

“If you don’t calm fucking down right now, I will call the cops!” Nicole bellowed, comforting a woman who was in hysterics, her dress straps fallen from her shoulders. 

You made your way closer, trying to catch sight of the man. People were circulating back and forth, some in disbelief, some finding it amusing, some leaving the house entirely. 

“Don’t tell me what to do Nicole! Call the cops, I don’t give a damn! Nothing changes the fact she’s a whore!” 

The man stumbled about, eyes red and clothes a complete mess. Drunk and rageful and rabid. Something repulsive and rotten rearing its head. “Don’t come any closer!” Nicole grabbed the woman and started backing up as the man followed them, no one seemed to want to help. 

_Adler? Where was he?_

The man was only getting closer to them, hands in fists, you rushed in, not knowing what else to do. 

He turned his head … he was going to hit the woman in Nicole’s arms. **Hit the back of her head.** You ran, as fast as you could, straight into the line of fire, not knowing what was to come, but hoping you could catch his fist or deter him all together. 

He threw his weight and you flinched, shut your eyes expecting nothing but pain and disorientation. 

Only all you felt, no, **heard** , was a shriek, so inhuman and near. Swearing and spit, smell of blood, then punches. Someone being hit over and over, and people shouting **nos** , and **stops.** Nicole screamed. _Screamed his name._

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**“Russell you're going to kill him!”**

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The violence stopped… _eventually._ The man’s face barely recognizable, nose busted open, eyebrow open, swollen eyes, split open mouth and gushing blood, missing teeth on the ground. But it was his arm … broken bone sticking out from his skin. The arm that was going to hit the woman, _was going to hit you…_

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“How do you fucking like it.” Adler growled, stumbling away from the man, blood seeping from his knuckles. People were crying, shouting for help. Adler, he was alive, so very alive, in his natural habitat, stalking the surroundings like a bloodthirsty monster. 

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_Nicole was in tears._

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_Everything blurred into one._

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The woman grasping for the man on the ground moaning in agony, as if he hadn’t tried to kill her a moment ago, someone on the telephone with either the ambulance or police, others unable to bear the sight of the pitiful man, rushing to leave. 

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Nicole sobbed and yelled, swearing at Adler to go away and never come back. He didn’t argue, not a word, not a look, only wiped blood from his face and walked away. As if in another world. 

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You should have stayed with Nicole, _but you couldn’t._

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You followed Adler outside, followed him to his car, following him by the sound of his heavy breaths, and whispered curses. 

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Your shoes on the gravel alerted him to your presence, brows furrowed, he was ready to tell you off, tell you to go away. “Adler …” you stuttered, unsure of what to say to the man you just watched brutalise another. “Your hands.” They were dark red, the blood drying quickly, crusting and flecks of pieces. Some of it was his own, his hand split open from … You didn’t want to think about it. 

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He ignored you, opened his car door and got in without a word, only he didn’t expect you to open the passenger side and launch yourself in. 

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“I’m going with you,” you demanded more than said. He had no objections, and put the key in the ignition. 

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_That was all._

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He drove away, far away from the house, from Clyde Hill and into the night, both windows down in utter silence, only the wind whipping past. 

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You did not wish to speak. Didn’t know what there was to say for a while, the violence still emanating from him. 

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You weren’t afraid … _not for yourself at least._

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“That was stupid, kid.” 

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You knew immediately what he meant, and he was right, but so, _so wrong._

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“At least I didn’t try to commit murder.” It had come out harsh and broken. He looked to you, the anger and bloodlust vanishing almost instantly, before going back to the road ahead. “Lucky you didn’t kill him-” 

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“-I wasn’t trying to kill him. He’ll live.” 

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“Doesn’t matter what you meant to do Russell.” You hadn’t even realized you said his name for the first time, “He could have hit his head, could have had a medical condition. Either way it’ll be a miracle if you get charged with only assault and not attempted murder.” He laughed; it was an empty sound. 

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“No, I won’t. That motherfucker wouldn’t try it.” He looked to you again, glancing back and forth. “What about you? If he hit you … hit that woman, I definitely would have killed him.” You wanted to say something smart back, but truthfully, deep down, you couldn’t blame him. 

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That man was a pig and he could have killed that lady, could have hurt you badly. In a way, he deserved what he got. 

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_The car went silent._

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_“Where’re we going?”_

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You hadn’t actually observed where he was driving to, and truth be known, you didn’t know where you were, having gotten a taxi to the million-dollar mansion. “Home. I’m taking us home.” Was all he said, seemingly not interested in having a proper conversation. 

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The remainder of the drive was strangely … _peaceful._ His energy put itself to rest, as did your anxiety for the future. All that was on your mind, and Adler’s mind you suspected, was home. _Just… getting home._ The roads weren’t busy, the sky was clear and stars out. You had your head half out the window, relishing in the wind, cooling you down. Listening to Adler’s rhythmic breathing and deafening concentration. 

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Time went by and without really noticing the details of the present, you were out of his car and walking up the stairs to your floor. Key in hand. Your parents on holiday in Hawaii. As you went to your door, and Adler to his, you felt guilt… Looked down the hall to Adler, fiddling with his keys, hissing at the surely painful wounds on his hands. 

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_No, don’t …_

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_But you knew you would._

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"Hey, let me do that.” You stood by him, he was warm and sweating, took his jacket off while you unlocked his apartment. The door opened and the coldness of it rushed out into the hallway, it was dark and sad looking. 

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Adler went to go in, but paused, taking the keys from your smaller hand. 

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“I’m gonna have a drink, you want one?” 

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You didn’t have to answer, only walked in with a nod. 

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Drinking like a fish seemed the best way to deal with almost witnessing a murder. 

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“Where’s Babs?” You asked, sitting down on the couch that was much cleaner than usual. Now that the lights were on, you could actually behold the makeover of the entire studio. No longer empty looking, but decorated with flowers, photos and pretty looking knicks and knacks. The kitchen had a bowl of fruit, fake or not you couldn’t tell. You missed the barking of Babs however, it wasn't right without her. 

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“She’s at Nicole’s parents place.” You wanted to ask why, but took to watching him throw his jacket onto the new dining table, a lovely timber, and go to work at pouring drinks. You laughed at how he gave up on pouring his, instead drinking straight from the bottle. “Here, kid.” 

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The liquor burned in your throat, but it gave you much needed comfort, a balanced burn to make you feel alive and well. He plopped into the seat next to you, practically sinking into the cushion, taking swigs from the bottle like a drunken sailor. There wasn’t much left in it. 

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“It feels more homely in here,” you whispered nonchalantly. He hummed in agreement. 

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_“Nicole. She brings life to everything she touches.”_

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You wanted to joke about her bringing life to him, but thought better of it. “Yeah, she does. She’s a good person. I wouldn’t worry, she’ll forgive you.” 

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He didn’t hum at that, but maneuvered himself so he was facing you, eyes and body, one leg crossed on the couch and the other hanging off. You replicated the movement, waiting for whatever his response would be. 

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Only you were met with deafening silence and an intimidating gaze. 

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“I- sorry, that was intrusive.” He shook his head in disagreement. 

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“Pretty sure you know more than me anyway, kid.” There was a bitterness in his tone. Made you put your empty glass down so you could twiddle your thumbs in your lap. 

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“All I know is that she likes you a lot. You’re just …” He tilted his head in your direction, brows raised. 

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_“Just what?”_

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“You’re not what she’s used to.” He did that thing with his jaw, tensing it as he considered. It gave you more confidence to continue. “You’re too … fanciful, no, no that’s not the word.” He was beginning to get frustrated, rubbing at his face, hands still bloody and sore but not seeming to care. “You’re an enigma. Yeah, that’s the word. You’re confusing and distant, part of your allure really. But I bet it gets irritating for her, not knowing where you go, what you do when you’re gone. 

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“Why you don’t tell her.” He listened intently, watching you closely as you continued, voice louder and more personal, “The way you come home, tired and drained of life, sometimes with bruises and new wounds. Then there’s the shades, you wear sunglasses indoors at night for fucks sake! What is your deal, Russell Adler …? **You’re a mystery.** ” You fell back into the lounge, done with your rant that you really hadn’t meant to give. 

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He laughed… actually laughed, head thrown back, and chest vibrating with laughter, drunken laughter almost, but he wasn’t drunk, he was more sober than when he was actually sober. _So were you_. It all felt so much more precious in the moment, the present. 

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“It’s not funny,” you said through laughter, struggling to keep the bubbling of giggles at bay. “You’re a crazy person you know that?” 

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“I’ve been told that before, but that’s what makes me so fucking important.” 

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“To the CIA?” The humor faded away, as did his amusement, his eyes meeting yours, brows furrowed in genuine seriousness. You wanted to tuck tail and run the way he looked right then and there, but you didn’t, you’d come this far. “I’m right aren’t I? You're some kind of agent?” 

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He breathed in defeat, that intimidating look still in his eyes, but an acceptance as well. You’d broken through, chipped at his façade at least. 

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“Sure,” he whispered, then said with clarification, “Yes, I’m a clandestine operative. When I’m not home, I’m overseas, at safehouses, face buried in a computer or documents.” 

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You nodded, finally hearing the truth, or at least part of the truth. “Something tells me there’s more to it, more you can’t say.” 

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“No shit,” he said frankly. 

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“How long have you been, you know?” 

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“I was twenty-nine when I joined central intelligence. Had served in the army for eleven years before joining. Was sent to Vietnam, part of the studies and operation group. 

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“And ever since then … I’ve never had a good night’s sleep or break of keeping shit from hitting the fan.” 

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A silence fell over you. It was a lot to take in. _But it made sense_ , the puzzle pieces coming together so to speak. Explained many things about him, about his gloom and doom energy, his dry, dark humor. Him being so reserved but somehow so open? It explained everything but the, “Scars. Your scars, how did you get them?” 

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He seemed almost disappointed in you, half-expecting it probably, rolling his neck and thinking of an answer. 

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You wondered if he’d give you the truth, so far, he’d been pretty honest, as far as you could tell. 

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“Through a hell lot of excruciating pain and healing.” 

__

“Okay, I’ll take that as a ‘you’re not going to tell me’.” Adler grinned, stretching the scars as if he were purposefully teasing you. 

__

“What about you, kid? Any scars?” You hummed in thought, trying to remember if you did in fact have any scars. Going as far as looking down at your body, at your arms, earning a laugh from Adler. 

__

You went to say no, but a light bulb went off, and without thought you pulled the sleeve of your dress down, turning around as to show your back, uncovering the skin of your shoulder blade and even further down. 

__

Before you could correct your mistake, shriek in embarrassment and pull it back up, running out the door in absolute horror, you felt a single finger trace the scar. 

__

It wasn’t big, nor did it have an interesting tale. Just a stupid accident as a child, falling from a tree sort of thing. But it felt delicate and like the most interesting thing in the world under his touch. 

__

_His touch…_

__

You shuddered a breath at the way another finger came to caress the skin there, up and down your side, the very tips of his fingers brushing up, up, and down. The couch sloped as he moved closer behind you, hand coming up to move your hair away from the naked skin. 

__

His breath danced by your neck, your ear, you could smell and taste cigarettes and whiskey and him … _just him._ “How did you get it?” He said into your ear, lips wet and touching the shell of it, your breathing stuttered, body falling into his, letting him consume you, his hand grazing and grasping at your body, at your shoulder and at your ribs. 

__

_You weren’t ticklish anymore._

__

_“I can’t remember-”_

__

Another hitch in breath, his nose delving into the crook of your neck, breathing you in, careful, long fingers holding your chin upwards, your hair falling onto him. “You can’t remember or don’t want to?” 

__

You covered his hand with your own, entwining your fingers into his grip, cuddling into him, wanting more, more. “I don’t know.” 

__

His chest pressed itself into your back, knees either side of your hips. He was so warm and safe … he felt like home, like laying in bed on a rainy night. _Protected and okay._

__

He placed feather light kisses into your neck, behind your ear, licked and nibbled begging you to make sound. You couldn’t, struggling to let out whines and huffs of air. _Something stopping you from doing so_. His hands found their way to your thighs, rubbing up and down, tempting you to make sound. 

__

His teasing and temptations come to a climax, no longer able to control yourself, you twisted yourself around and put your mouth to his. 

__

It was barely a kiss, more an invitation. An invitation he took, without grace. Bloodied hands grasping your jaw, opening up your mouth, his tongue on yours, wet and messy. 

__

Kisses and grasps of your hair, his hair, your nails diving into the softness of it and pulling him closer, thighs either side of his lap, his hands fading down your back, cut nails scratching into your skin, grabbing onto as much flesh as he could. 

__

It was only when you had to breathe air and break the kiss that you realised what was happening, as did he. 

__

It was a blur of motion, you were far away from him, heaving air, his eyes were wide and afraid. A sight you never thought possible on him. 

__

“I-I’m sorry.” 

__

You didn’t look back, only grabbed your keys and rushed out the door … _never looking back_. 

__

That night, you lay in bed, staring at the ceiling with tears both happy and sad. 

__

_What had you done?_

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> Please don't be afraid to leave a comment below! <33


	3. you feel like home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it's here, finally XD
> 
> Honestly, this could be a huge disappointment but I must say I am relieved to have finished this chapter, and the fic. 
> 
> I'm amazed and so happy that so many people kudosed and commented on this fic, like I was not expecting this much love and feedback! So thank you so much for that, and I really hope that this ending is a decent one, and makes sense to what I've written in the previous 2 chapters XD
> 
> {also little side-note, I made reader character queer, pansexual/bisexual, couldn't help myself as I am bi and feel like the gay sometimes oozes out of me.}

**Washington D.C. 1985**

_It never failed to shock you_ , the amount of people that’d buy flowers in the cold months. _Early January_ , Christmas season practically over, you thought people would be happy to stay home until Winter passed, all this snow and slippery roads. 

But you were mistaken. It was the busiest you’d ever seen the shop, elderly, children, flowers for birthdays or late Christmas celebration, late New Year’s gifts, a few weddings, and some funerals … A pair of warm gloves on your hands, scarf up to your nose. Your boss bought a new heater for the little shop, but it wasn’t enough. It was the coldest Winter you’d ever experienced in Washington. 

And perhaps the _loneliest_. 

Moved into your own little house, cheap rent, in a nice neighbourhood, your parents sold their apartment and bought a motorhome, travelling around the States with retirement money. They’d paid your rent for the first month or so as a thank you, a sending off gift. 

You didn’t talk much with your neighbours, it was quiet in your street, peacefully so. Your parents rang every so often. You’d tried dating, mostly women, but it never worked out. Nothing felt … _right_. 

Pain and regrets and memories scalded your skin and heart. 

It was cliché, annoying and frustratingly heartbreaking, that not a day went by you didn’t think of _him_ … or _Nicole_ , or _Babs_ or _any of it_. 

Not flirtatious smiles of beautiful customers, or laughter from friends could soothe the ache. A falling star had passed in the night, and you’d missed it. Only your imagination and dreams could fulfill any desire to see… to feel. 

A week after the kiss … after Nicole’s birthday. She had visited your apartment. Your parents were home that day. Nicole came in quietly, not to stay, no, she stood at the entrance, didn’t take a seat. Couldn’t look you in the eyes, and you knew that _she knew_ …

Humiliating shame, _guilt_. 

“I’m leaving for Europe tomorrow, with some girlfriends. Thought I’d let you know, as a friend. As someone who trusts you, or at least … did.” There was a glaze over usually joyful eyes. Sadness and betrayal. Holding tears back didn’t hurt as much as hers falling. “Keeping secrets doesn’t warrant anything but heartbreak, I don’t want any part of that.”

Your parents sensed the best thing to do was leave you alone with Nicole, and like a little child you broke down inside, wanting, no needing that protection, even from your own mistakes … It was your mistake, not someone else’s. There was no defence in the world that could change that. 

“He told me what happened. And believe me when I say I don’t hate you, I’m not angry at you. I’m not anything … He should have known better. I should have known better, should have seen…”

You’d have dreams of what she said to you. You’d wake up with a dewy, wet face, slick with tears that had fell during sleep and seeped into your pillows, heart wallowing down deep in your stomach. 

“The way he looked at you. Like you were something not even God could amount to. He trusted you, bared himself to you and I was the one he was with … I-”

“I’m sorry.” 

“I know you are.” She wasn’t mean, wasn’t cruel, you could see in her eyes, in her soul held bare to you, that she felt just as sorry when she needn’t have. 

Suddenly in that moment, all your feelings for him felt immature and worthless in the scheme of her affection and friendship and trust. 

“Take care.” 

It never really processed in your head. That you’d lost a friend, lost a piece of yourself in an action that lasted a second. Made you wonder, Adler would feel that every day. Was that what he felt being who he was, like the universe was teaching you of sacrifice and temptation and following your heart when it led nowhere. 

Russell Adler moved away not long after. For where, you had no clue. He’d left a letter under your door. It wasn’t long, or had many words to spare, but it told you everything you needed to know. 

That the star you had missed in the night sky really was there, wasn’t a lie told to you, just the truth that you had been too distracted to see. The truth he was too distracted to see. 

It was closure, but you weren’t _satisfied_. You moved on, that’s all you could do. Go to work, meet with friends, think about adopting a rescue dog or cat, or bird. Go on a date, not feel a thing whether it was you self- sabotaging or not. Come home, watch television, read the newspaper, make dinner, go to sleep and start again. 

So different from them.

Nicole somewhere in Europe, attracting the attention of handsome men, foreign and wealthy. Adler possibly crossing paths with her in a strange act of fate, hiding out in safehouses, crossing the line like he always did. Barbara, wherever little Babs was, you hoped she was happy and safe.

 _Life went on_.

You trained yourself to survive, to persevere the loneliness, the boredom, the longing for more, like a flower that could survive both Spring and Winter, Summer and Autumn. Not all flowers died in the cold, a thing you’d tell customers worried about purchasing plants from the shop.

“Some flowers actually prosper in the cold,” you’d say with a smile, when really you wanted to laugh. Russell Adler would be one of those flowers. You didn’t know what one you’d be. 

_“Talking away.”_

_“I don’t know what I’m to say.”_

_“I’ll say it anyway.”_

_“Today’s another day to find you.”_

Customers faded into the evening; your radio quietly playing your new favourite tape. You’d taken to closing up shop, your boss needing to get home early to his young kids. 

You quite liked it, getting to turn up the volume, dancing around a bit, singing along. Made you enjoy life that much more, sometimes the suspense of dancing into a firm, familiar body crossed your mind, but it never seemed to come to fruition. 

_“Slowly learning that life is okay.”_

_“Say after me.”_

_“It’s no better to be safe than sorry-”_

Smoke … a lit cigarette smell, cologne, comfort. You slowed to a stop. Eyes on your body, breath icy and cold and calm. 

“It’s no better to be safe than sorry.” 

He stood in the doorway, orange light on his mouth, dying out as he took a drag from the smoke. Shades on, scars still there, a couple more wrinkles and bumps on his face. He looked the same really. Dressed the same. Leather gloves, bomber jacket, jeans. 

“Take on me,” you said, a smile lingering by your lips, taking the tape out and putting it into your backpack. 

“Take me on,” he added, and you laughed under cold breath. 

“It’s good to see you, Russell. I’m sorry how things happened-”

“-Don’t be sorry. What happened, happened. I fucked up, something I do often if you can believe it.” 

“Yeah, I guess I could believe that.” The two of you stood at a distance, studying one another like normal. He crushed the cigarette under his boot, you held back telling him not to do that in the shop, he noticed you holding back. Smiling, _amused_. 

“You hungry, kid?” 

Still called you kid. You smiled, rubbing up and down your arms, backpack on and everything ready to be shut. Windows closed, keys in hand. “Actually, I am. You?”

“Actually, I am,” he teased, hands in his pocket, lingering by the door. “Have dinner with me. My shout.” 

“Sounds good,” you whispered, not giving in to the desire to huddle into his bigger, warmer body. To hide away, to _clutch onto him desperately_ , not even the drunken kiss lingered on your mind. Just the joy of seeing him in the flesh.

Walking by his side on a Winter evening, finding yourself subconsciously cowering nearer to him to get warm, arms brushing, looking up at him in the corner of your eye. His car wasn’t far. Had he actually considered you not being there anymore, the fact that you may have moved away too… _He knew you too well_. 

The car was much better than outside, the heater on. “Where to?” You asked, fiddling with the straps of the backpack in your lap.

“Wherever you like.” His voice gruff, another cigarette in his mouth. 

“There’s a burger place not far from here.” That’s all you had to say, before directing him to where it was. It wasn’t fancy or really appetizing looking, the twenty-four seven signs flickering on and off. Hardly anyone was there, which was nice, maybe a few passing travellers drinking coffee or hot chocolate on a snowy night, but it felt like just the two of you. 

You got a table by the window, watching the snow fall softly from the sky like glittering crushed feathers. People walking by emanating crunches of dirt and snow.

There was a comforting silence between the both of you, only speaking to order your food and drinks, him chain smoking, you observing the outside world until the hot plates were on the table before you. 

You ate fast, so did he, ravenous and hesitant to draw it out, _afraid to speak_. 

He was the first to finish his meal, wiping his face with a table-napkin, sliding out another cigarette as he watched you finish your burger and chips. “I really needed this. Thanks,” you said in-between chewing and swallowing, pushing it down with sips of soda. Unsure how to voice your happiness to be near him again. 

“You don’t live at Park View anymore.” It was hard to decipher if it were a question or statement, you assumed it was both, swallowing the last bit of food on your plate and wiping your mouth not unlike him.

“No, no I don’t.”

He nodded, taking his shades off to wipe at his eyes, tired looking. “Folks bought a motorhome actually, travelling the country.” His head tilted like you were so used to, curiosity getting the better of him, you wondered if did that while undercover, listening in on a target. You smirked, he imitated it, leaning in over the table, watching you with keen eyes as he lit another cigarette.

“So where does that leave you?” 

“Georgetown. Renting a house. It’s nice. Thinking of adopting a dog, or who knows, maybe a lizard.” Adler laughed, exhaling softly, smoke dancing by his face. 

“You get lonely? Without your folks?” 

“Sometimes … But it’s a nice loneliness,” you smiled, the both of you chuckling. “I get why you lived by yourself. You can do whatever you want, I sometimes walk around naked-”

The way his scars and dimples stretched brought heat to your face, and laughter upon laughter, “I’m just kidding … I- I don’t do that, anyone could look through a window, and I don’t wanna be responsible for someone going blind.”

Adler fell back into the leather seat, discerning everything about you. Your hair, your scarf, your dark grey sweater, maybe food you hadn’t wiped off on your mouth, made you fidget, rub at your face with nervous fingers.

“You’re hard to forget, kid.” You must have appeared dazed, unable to comprehend what hidden secret he had voiced to the world. Fixated, only on you, cigarette between his fingers forgotten as he stared. Somehow both deep in thought, and in touch with the physical world.

 _Not this again_ … 

Heart pulsing, up into your neck, having to look away, look anywhere but his eyes. 

_So are you_. 

“There hasn’t been a night where I don’t see you. In a dream, in a memory,” he continued, you smiled, no, grimaced, or something in between, painful, glancing all about the diner, attempting to shake your own feelings, the tears wanting to fall. “It was wrong. What happened that night. What I did to Nicole, to you-”

“-I hurt her too …” you barely said, the sound of your voice akin to the beginning of a sob. A mewl of words. Adler shook his head, and _wonder of wonders_ , placed his hand over yours.

“Nicole knows you. She knows what happened wasn’t your intention. Besides, I was bound to fuck up sooner or later with her, with both of you.”

You badly wanted to pull your hand away, but hadn’t the spirit, neither the strength. It held the tears back, protected you, via his warm hand upon yours, soft skin. 

“We both made a choice. A choice I should have made long before that night.”

You peered up, incapable of ignoring him forever, gasp falling from your lips. He’d never seemed so open, so genuine and honest. 

_Like you were something not even God could amount to_.

Why had he asked you to look after Barbara in the first place? There were so many other options, like Mrs. Anderson, lovely woman, retired and lonely with a dog of her own. Or the Ahmed’s, they had a teenage son who loved animals. What about the people he was dating on and off? 

The day he offered you the dog-sitting gig returned from the depths of crazy events. Your infatuation and insecurities had buried it so far into the dark that you’d never considered … 

The way he had come up to you, on your way home from grocery shopping. You’d lost your previous job at that time, had nothing to do but help out the folks.

You’d seen him out and about before then, but he was always an imposing figure, never spared a grin or laugh, rarely even a kind greeting before then. 

_Then that day_.

A glitter in his eyes, scars gentle when he smiled so … simply. Opened your door, your hands sweating and full with bags of food, surely you would have looked so goofy, blush on your face and dorky grin.

Days when you snuggled into the couch, _his couch, _, with Barbara, eating peanut butter. Feeling so at home. The times, sparse as they were, when he’d come in through the door to the sight.__

___What did he think?_ _ _

__Barbara in your arms, you sunken into the couch giggling and laughing at a stupid show on the television._ _

__He wouldn’t say a word. A beautiful, comforting silence._ _

__“Why didn’t you say?” Your voice was the softest it had ever been, surprising even to yourself. Adler’s lips parted, then closed, unsure and hopeless. “I was so enamoured with you... I am.”_ _

__He nodded, the beginning of a smile, a twinkle in his eyes, dimples unveiling on what should have been an intimidating face._ _

__“You bring me peace.” His thumb nestling into the top of your hand, your fingers. “Living a life where you’re being sent from country to country, ordered to kill, made to decide someone else’s fate. Over and over, nothing ever really ending,” he said under breath, looking into emptiness, at that moment you could see torment, a man in purgatory, something he hid so well, only showing in glimpses. “Trying to find normality in people like Nicole, I couldn’t give her what she needed. In the worst moments, when I can’t sleep, I think of you._ _

__“It’s not about giving or taking. With you, when I think of you, I feel calm, harmony.” Palm slipping upwards, you entwined fingers, grasped tightly, not wanting to let go. “I didn’t want to ruin it. Taint it with my chaos and instability.”_ _

__You huffed, laughed dryly, tears gone and chest reinforced with a lightness. “Did you know, that you make me feel safe?” You challenged him, his broken gaze. “You make me feel at peace, you make me feel at home. I see you now, and there’s anger, uncertainty and secrets,” you mumbled, holding his hand in yours, grazing the calloused skin of his knuckles, and the bones on top of his hand._ _

___Like you were something not even God could amount to_._ _

__Hazel eyes dazed and faint, watched as you brought his hand to your lips. “But you feel like home.” Feather-light, gentle and careful of breaking this feeling, you kissed his hand, caressing with hesitant fingers._ _

___You feel like home_. _ _

___He felt like home_._ _

__Russell took you home. The drive quiet but not silent. Music playing dimly. His hand drifting to your shoulder, your neck, your hair, then back to the wheel. It was a promise, a taste of what his hands really felt like. Not unlike the night you first kissed._ _

__In your home, in your room as snow flittered across the window, lights faint from outside the bedroom, grazing over him as he cradled your face in his hands, fingers pressing into the nape of your neck, the kiss wasn’t a _mistake or drunken_. Neither _messy and fast_._ _

__But slow, and considerate. Tips of fingers sliding from his chin to below his left eye, tracing the damaged skin, beautiful underneath your touch, beautiful without it. In his hair, silken in its curls wrapped around your fingers, pulling him closer, _lips on lips_. _ _

__A firm hand stroking and clutching at your stomach, your thighs, your arms, pushing you down below him, his body large and warm on top and protecting you from everything. Tongue wet, pressing into the hollow of your neck as you arched your head back into pillows, between your breasts, to your naval, and down further leaving you to moan and writhe in his grasp, kneading his hair, pulling and pushing._ _

__“You taste so good.” Harsh and reverberating up your torso, he huffed into your tummy, biting and licking, climbing up and catching your lips again._ _

__Him in your hand, his mouth agape and breath disorganised, rough and hitched with a pattern of groans and whines, riding into your movement. “Louder,” you begged, wanting more and more, his voice vibrating into your neck and jaw, his teeth biting and nibbling at flesh and bone. His saliva painted all over your body._ _

__His hard body thrusting into you, hands spreading you out and grabbing at anything he could, the blankets pulled from their place, your hands snagging at the them. Pulsating around him, _feverish and hot_. _ _

__“Fuck. Fuck.” Attempts at words, he flipped you over, hands over yours, groin on your ass and stomach on your back._ _

__Too tired to get up, to clean the sweat and wetness of him and yourself, you lay in the bed, legs entwined, your head on his chest. Talking random thoughts, about flowers, about Barbara, about someone named Bell, about Nicole, who had gotten married to a businessman in Paris._ _

___Joyful Nicole._ _ _

__You talked about the past and the future. Somewhere in the night he may have told you a story about how he got his scar, whether it was true or not, you didn’t care._ _

__Only lulled to sleep, face huddled into his hairy chest, his hand in your hair, brushing through it._ _

__Morning sun woke you up, and instead of being alone, in your bed or on his couch like so long ago, you were snuggled into him, his arms wrapped around your body and nose buried in the crook of your neck._ _

__Russell was fast asleep, the clock said it was nine am, and he was snoring into your skin._ _

__You smiled._ _

___He felt like home_._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you so much for reading and leaving kudos and comments!
> 
> Hope everyone is safe and well! <33

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading the first chapter!
> 
> There will be two more to come (maybe more than XD)


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